I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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