I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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