I will die if light touches me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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