Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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