I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
