thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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