Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
