I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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