I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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