Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
