Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
