Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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