I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
