if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
