I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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