When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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