Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
