Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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