In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
