she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I forgot how hot balto sounded
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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