So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
