Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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