Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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