"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
