The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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