Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
