the condom got lost in my hair
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
