Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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