i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
