im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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