my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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