apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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