Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
