I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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