so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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