maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
