Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
