just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
