i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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