it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
