I wish my penis had an off switch
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
