I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
