that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i wish my penis had a tongue
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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