Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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