tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
