you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
