so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
