i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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