Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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