i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
