i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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